What path did we cross to get the position we're in? Was it God and faith? Was it another source from which you draw your cosmic reason? I'm not sure. I find myself wondering exactly how I got here to this moment. Sitting on a very old, tiny and possibly used mattress. How did my life bring me here?
I won't share the struggles of my past, lets face it you don't have all your life to sit here and read it. But I will tell I've had my share. And I'd like to think that each one of them made a bit stronger each time. Maybe they didn't and in order to make some semblance of confidence in a seemingly confidence free life they told me I was strong. Whatever it is, I'm sure the struggles were for A reason.
But what exact one brought me here? I'm sure a series of them, not just a singular event. My mothers abandonment, the demise of my foster family, or meeting the parents I have now, who knows? I sure as hell don't. I think that when something tragic (which may be a tad on the dramatic side) happens we are simply forced to change courses and we eventually end up somewhere else. And like always, it is some where we never thought we would be. I never thought that at 19, I would have not a single shred of hope of a for-sure career, mentally fucked and the attention span of an 85 year old women who has a degenerating memory (it is hopeful that at nineteen I maintain my memory for the foreseeable future). I find myself most days just wanting to lay down. Cuddle in with a blanket and sleep. The world outside will still be there tomorrow. But, it normally does work out that way.
I normally say those exact motivating words day after day after day. I think I'm in a rut as people call it. Stuck wanting the same thing over and over, and afraid of the idea that something changing might in fact, instead of what I fear that it being bad, that it might be good. That sometimes a shuffle in the line-up doesn't mean you're destroying what you have, it simply means, you are changing the order in how they appear in your life.
That certainly applies to most things: people, jobs, university classes, friends. Never assure yourself to one thing because at the end of the day, you'll find yourself standing alone. Because they unlike you have already discovered what I'm telling you now. They weren't waiting for the predictable or the nice. They ARE looking for the fun, the exciting, the adventurous. And though you may be subsequently be completely and wonderfully comfortable in the thing that is the most familiar. You might in fact be better off being uncomfortable and seeing what is outside the old, small, and slightly used bed you are sitting on. I won't use the classic cliche. It isn't worth sugar coating anything.
Hobbes said, "...life is short, brutish, poor, nasty" (this could be very wrong, I apologize, maybe my memory is going) and I think he was on to something. However, he doesn't have to be. I think when you hit a rut like might, stick your nose into something less familiar, even if it as small as choosing a different kind of coffee from your favorite coffee vendor and see where you end up.
~ N
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